MamaPie

What Playing Looks Like

My cats - Papa Cat and the two kittens - went away this week, which left this mouse time to play. So, what did I do?

Primarily, I moved slowly. I think that if you saw me these past few days: walking down the street, sitting at the coffee shop reading the newspaper, on a bike ride, I would look a little unmoored, spaced out, disoriented, but in a good way. That's how I felt, for sure.

I did "do" some things, in small bits, with lots of breaks for reading, petting the dog, lying down and staring out the window. I did: some house cleaning, sorted through the boys old clothes, got some things ready for a yard sale this weekend, made a big pot of beans, soaked and then dried some almonds, a little sewing. I went to bed early and lay in bed for awhile each morning when I woke up. This slow waking up was one of the things that was most different from my regular days and one of the things I most savored.

They're coming back today. I'm sure they'll be full of stories and pride from their camping adventures.I could definitely use a few more days of this slowness, this dreamy way of moving through my days. And, I can't wait to see those faces that I love the most.

ipod Update

Help! I need workout inspiration. My musical tastes (at least for workouts and, to be quite honest, much of the rest of the time) are definitely stuck in the '80's and '90's. Let me know some of your favorite blast from the past songs, so I can continue my daily walks (that happen most days) on the trail. My pace is has been morphing from a quick clip to a medium slog, so I'm hoping some new tunes will put a spring back in my step!

Bibliophilia and Kitchen Decisions

I'm reading Away by Amy Bloom right now. I'm completely loving it. I've been a fan of her personally (in the way that you can think you "know" an author) and her work for a long time. I remember way back when there was a magazine called New Woman and she wrote an advice column that was always full of wise, funny, realistic insight. After that, I read her short story collection, A Blind Man Can See How Much I Love You, and I loved that. It's full of stories about complicated, messy, lovely relationships between family members and friends. In addition to being a great writer, she's a social worker - and if I were ever in New Haven and in need of a therapist, I'd look her up immediately.

It's so great to be loving a book - and to have a little time to read it. It is something I'm familiar with, but it hasn't happened often in the past 3 years (and, after March, I don't expect it to happen again for awhile). Before Away, I read The Emperor's Children, which I also thought was great. Before that, I read Water for Elephants, which, despite lots of hype and acclaim, I was really disappointed by.

The kitchen plans are moving along at a brisk clip. We're due to begin work in about two weeks. Our kitchen designer and contractor have both complimented us over and over again about our ability to make quick decisions. They tell us that remodels are often held up by the owners' inability to make decisions. I've never been one to agonize over concrete decisions (abstract, philosophical and life decisions, I can agonize over for eons, however). I'm not the person you'll find hanging out in the dressing room trying to decide whether or not I like a sweater. I try it on. I look at it. I know. That's it. I was always the first one done with tests throughout high school. I would turn it in and walk out the door. I never understood why people (Andrew is one of them) would spend an extra half hour checking and re-checking their answers. So, the kitchen decisions have mostly been easy - counter material, granite color, tile choice, cabinet paint - yep. But, I'm having some trouble committing to a floor choice. We are definitely using Marmoleum for it's durability, enviromental friendliness and price point. But, I starting getting cold feet about the black and white checkerboard pattern we've been planning on. Will it look too busy/too dizzy? As my kitchen designer extraodinaire says, "Nothing says historic kitchen [which is what we're doing] and Mom and apple pie like a black and white checkerboard floor," and I really agree. I guess I just needed to get worried about something - it wouldn't be remodel without it. Other options would be a checkerboard in other colors (two shades of green, as that is our tile color, or a solid floor). Any thoughts or opinions would be much appreciated!

Lost Week

Over the past week, I have had: four doctor's appointment, one urgency care visit and one visit to the emergency room. What's been going on? An ear infection, that has been misdiagnosed and mistreated over and over again .

An ear infection so painful that it had me pacing the halls of the ER muttering, "goddammit, goddamit," under my breath as I tried labor breathing to deal with the pain. To my dismay, I've been popping Vicodin like candy in an attempt to keep the excruciating stabbing, twisting pain at bay. Today is the first day since last Wednesday that I am not in severe pain. That may change in a few hours when I have (yet another!) appointment with an ENT who is going to "clean out" my ear, assisted by a microscope, and then will follow that by "vacuuming the debris" out of my ear.

I really hope that this afternoon marks the end of this ear-infection saga.  I'm ready to be back in the flow of everyday life.

Visitor

Hello anxiety, my old friend. You've been with me again now for the past few weeks. I think you heard the news that I was pregnant and, like with any big change in my life, you wanted to come and check it out for yourself. You have brought with you your talent for making my heart race, my chest tighten and my mind work over and over the same old doom thoughts. I've been trying to keep my distance from you. Like, yes, I see you're here, but I'm standing on the other side of the room, giving you a brief nod like an acquaintance at a party to whom I don't really want to talk. But, you've been sidling closer and closer to me and, in the past few days, you've managed to corner me with your boring, repetitive (yet somehow compelling) conversation, causing me to feel trapped and exhausted. My plan to get you to leave? Freeze you out. I am trying not to engage with you in the conversations you want to have with me (oh, believe me, we've had them all before and there's nothing new to be said). After a while, you'll have to get tired of talking to yourself, won't you? I'm also trying to fortify myself against you with sleep and exercise and support from Andrew and friends. And, if you stick around longer, it may just be time for another burst of therapy. In the meantime, not to be rude or anything, but I'm putting on my ipod. I can see your lips moving, but I don't know what you're saying.

L.A. Trip

We're leaving tomorrow for 5 days in L.A., my hometown. As I was getting my hair cut today, my hair cutter told me that I didn't seem like "an L.A. girl." I kind of know what she means, but a part of me was...offended? confused? Even though I always feel chunky and dressed wrong when I go to LA now, after having not lived there for 12 years, there is still some LA girl in my heart. It comes out in my conversational style, especially when talking to my girlfriends from high school. It comes out in my television choices (The O.C.) and, even though I somehow feel like my clothes aren't quite put together as they should be when I visit LA, I think the LA girl in me always has a say when I'm shopping. And of course, that LA girl had a hand in my practicing yoga and taking echinacea years before they became mainstream things to do.

So, the Portland mama and the LA girl are going to LA, along with Andrew and Ezra. We will have a family Hanukah party tomorrow night (more latkes! and good deli food!...Portland is sorely lacking in good delis) and another Hanukah party thrown by some dear old family friends that always occurs on Christmas (of course!). I look forward to having so many of my old friends and friends of my parents meet Ezra. What else? We'll see some friends and maybe go to a movie (yay for babysitting grandparents) or two. I have no idea what is even out now...any suggestions from any non-mamas (or mamas with good babysitters) who have actually had a chance to go to the movies in the past, oh, two years or so? We will undoubtedly spend alot of time just hanging out--at my parents house, my brothers house and at the little park down the street from my parents house. Ezra will have a ball. He loves his relatives and loves being around lots of people he knows. It almost makes me miss not having family in Portland. But, then, by day 4, I remember why not having my family closer by is a good thing...because they make me crazy. But, in a 5 day festive holiday dose, a good time should be had by all. I hope.

Alone Time

Most days, I am able to snatch an hour or so to sit at my local coffee shop to have a latte, surf the internet, read a book or the newspaper. This is my alone time. I do not appreciate lonely, lecherous men taking up my alone time with boring, flirty seeming small talk. It is especially uncomfortable when, once I have given them my curt answers, we are still sitting about 5 feet away from each other and I feel their vibes invading my space.

There is one particular guy who has recently taken to hanging out at my coffee shop who lights up with a smile when I walk in. When I see him, my heart sinks and my unfriendly resolve steels. Today, I walked in at 6:30 am, exhausted, hair sticking out in crazy ways due to having gone to bed with it wet and teeth unbrushed due to A. having taken the toothbrush (yes, we share a toothbrush - is this odd? Do any of you share toothbrushes? Now that I've written that, I have a sinking feeling that it's perhaps very gross...) into the basement bathroom and then A. and E. were asleep together in the basement when I left and I didn't want to risk waking them by getting the toothbrush. As I carry my latte over to my couch, he smiles widely at me and says, "You know, you're the cutest." I have to admit, I was flattered, But then I realized that in addition to being a lech, he was probably also a liar.